


IF-THEN-ELSE

by Sekki9



Category: Terminator (Movies), Terminator - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Universe, Character Death, Established Relationship, F/F, Flashbacks, Grace's POV, Implied Sexual Content, probably a failed character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:21:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25574980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sekki9/pseuds/Sekki9
Summary: "Why us?" Dani asked, in both 2020 and 2042.And it took Grace a lifetime to figure out the answer.
Relationships: Grace Harper/Dani Ramos
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	IF-THEN-ELSE

**Author's Note:**

> Although I chose English as the work language (dear AO3 please fix this, allow us to choose more than one language please), I actually wrote this in Chinese first then translated. I'll put Chinese version first here, just scroll all the way down for English version.

三天。你在你生命中的最后三天里想明白了很多事情。一些你在过去的整整十八年里都没有搞懂的事情。

而Dani，恰恰相反，从她看到”父亲”朝自己举起枪的那一刻起就有了无数疑问。

你在那双棕色的眼睛里读到了太多无处宣泄的情感。恐惧，悲伤，愤怒，痛苦。但最多的是疑惑。

”为什么是我们？”

你驾驶着那辆破旧的皮卡试图甩掉紧追不舍的Rev-9时，她这样问道。她不明白为什么突然之间自己和弟弟会被一个来路不明的机器追杀，而另一个同样来路不明的人正在保护他们。你出现在她生命中才不到十五分钟，但那一刻她信任着你。你能感受得到。

而你回答她：

“你，Dani. 你才是我的任务。”

在那生死攸关的时刻你没空多想。你甚至没有直接回答她的问题。你没有时间去解释，你需要她意识到她自己的性命有多么重要，仅此而已。

“他们开始杀我的时候，快逃。”

你要让她知道，她的性命比你的更重要。

那天晚上你站在火车车顶，感受着闷热的晚风拂过你的皮肤。你缓慢地眨了三下眼睛，关掉了夜视。你想要尽可能地用最原始的视角看看这个几乎被你忘却了的世界。

Sarah自以为是的样子让你恨得牙痒痒，说着什么Dani不是Legion所担心的威胁，她的子宫才是。你想要辩解，告诉她去他妈的圣母玛利亚；如果一定要说Dani造就了任何人的话，那么她造就的是她自己。但你不能让Dani知道这些，至少不是现在。那个Dani嘱咐过你，不要告诉她，她承受不了。你不想对她说谎，于是只好选择了沉默和隐瞒。

躺在一旁的Dani并没能睡着。她闭着眼睛，但睫毛不停地微微颤动，眼泪顺着她的眼角流下来。你想抱住她，亲吻她，像你拥抱并亲吻那个Dani一样。

任务，Grace，任务。你提醒自己。你必须要让她相信你只是在完成任务，不带个人感情。

然而你没能忍住那些任务之外的“不必要”的触碰。你们在去她叔叔家的路上，一夜没睡的Dani最终还是敌不过困意了，你蜷曲一条腿，示意她躺下来。她呢喃了一句“谢谢”，放松地躺在了你的腿上，没过多久便沉沉睡去。

她的长发随意地散开，你下意识地抬起手想要帮她梳理头发，但最后只是把你粗糙的手掌贴在了她的肩上。

你回想着过去二十四小时发生的事情，忽然记起她问你，“为什么是我们？”

哦，操。你叹了口气。你离开那个Dani的时候，她也问了同样的问题。

反抗军比Legion迟了一步。它们在你们毁掉时间位移器之前已经把一台Rev-9送了回去。

你记得Dani在那一刻依然从容镇定地下达着命令，但她转过身来看到你卸下武器，跪在她面前，主动请缨要回到过去保护她的时候，那双棕色的眼睛里只剩下悲伤和疑惑。

“为什么是我们, Grace?”她哽咽着，任由泪滴顺着脸颊滑落，“为什么偏偏是我们？”

躺在你腿上的年轻女孩醒了过来，你把放在她肩头的手收了回去。你抬起头，目光和Sarah相遇，你不知道她盯着你们看了多久。她的喉头不自然地滑动了一下，然后扭过头去戴上了墨镜。

她在逃避。你知道到她并不是在逃避你充满攻击性的凝视，而是和你一样在逃避着自己的回忆。

Carl的小木屋让你和Dani第一次有了独处的时光。

你们并排坐在床上，你能闻到她洗发露的香味。气氛一时间有些尴尬，你不知道该说点什么。

Dani忽然握住了你放在膝头的手。你被这突然的触碰吓了一跳。你看着她抚摸你手背上因改造手术而留下来的白色疤痕，她的指尖温柔地顺着疤痕慢慢向上，轻拂过你的小臂，大臂，最后回到手背，紧紧扣住你的五指。她把头靠在了你的肩上。

你紧张起来，右手的食指无意识地在自己腿上画起无限符号，一遍又一遍。这是你的老习惯了，你在紧张时总是这样平复心情。

你听到Dani轻笑了一声。

“你在画什么？”

“无限符号。”你说，“反抗军的标志。”

你不由自主地微笑起来，想象着如果你告诉Dani反抗军的旗帜正是她的设计的话她会是什么反应。

Dani早在反抗军正式成立之前就开始用那面旗帜了：海军蓝的底色，正中间是一个金色的无限符号。

“它代表着希望。”Dani告诉你，“我们有的是无限的未来，Grace.”

你把那个Dani的原话告诉了她，她点了点头，把你的手翻了过来，然后用食指在你掌心慢慢勾勒出一个无限符号。

那股微痒让你悸动，你的呼吸沉重起来。

“Dani.” 你轻声说。

她从你肩膀上抬起头，用另一只手托住你的下巴，迫使你转过头来看着她。

那双眼睛里燃烧着欲望。

“Grace...”她呢喃着你的名字，“Grace...”

你没法拒绝她，也没法拒绝自己的渴望。你闭上眼睛凑过去吻她，她轻声呻吟着，回应你的吻。

她的手向下滑去，从你的衣服下摆探进去，若有若无地抚摸起你的小腹，熟悉的触碰令你颤抖。

“哦，Dani...”你从亲吻中抽离开，端详着她已经染上绯红的面孔。仅仅一个吻便已经足以勾起你对她的全部回忆，你记起你和那个Dani之间的每一次亲密。你再次闭上眼凑上前吻她，但这一次她在你胸口轻轻推了一下，避开了你的索吻。

“怎么了？”你睁开眼睛，看到她微微皱起眉头，带着疑惑地上下打量着你。她没有回答，只是摇了摇头，然后再次把你拉进一个吻里。

操。你暗自咒骂到。你知道她在想什么。

她在思考那个曾经也让你疑惑了太久的问题：

为什么她刚才的眼神像是在看另一个人？

这个疑问在你第一次见到Dani时就已经在你心里扎根。

你狼狈地坐在满是灰尘的水泥地上，面孔被藏在帽衫的阴影里。那个救下你的女人在你面前蹲下，问你叫什么名字。

“Grace.”你说。

笑容僵在了那张陌生的面孔上，她掀开了你的帽子，露出你脏兮兮的金色短发。她仔细端详着你，像是在寻找着什么痕迹，像是在看另一个人。

“我是Daniella, ”她仿佛终于在你眼中找到了她想要的答案，“Dani.”

那之后的十几年里，你一直都在思考那个问题。那并不是她唯一一次那样端详你：你志愿参军的时候，你第一次吻她的时候，你第一次听她讲那个回到过去拯救了她的士兵的故事的时候——哦老天，你当时可是嫉妒地不得了。

你以为Dani爱你是因为她在你身上看到了那个死去的士兵的影子，你甚至为此生了好久的闷气。Dani从没为此辩解过——她没来得及亲自对你说出口。

一个Rev-7刺伤了她，它的触手差一点就捅穿了她的整个头颅。而你，你竭尽全力保护住了担架上失去意识的她而重伤时，唯一能想到的竟然还是那个死在过去的士兵。这一次你并不是在嫉妒，而是感谢她。她拯救了Dani，也间接拯救了你。那一刻你只想成为她，你想要更好地保护Dani.

“我志愿！”你对正在给你止血的医疗兵吼道，鲜血从你嘴角流出，“改造我！”

改造手术用了五周才完成。你很幸运，大多数像你一样在重伤时志愿被改造的士兵都死在了手术台上。

你睁开眼睛时看到的第一个人就是Dani，你甚至没有去注意那些在你视野边缘不断跳动的数据和那些你还不知道该怎样去使用的功能，你的全部注意力都在流泪的指挥官身上。

她又一次用那样的眼神看你了，而这次你知道了答案。你终于读懂了她的无奈，悲痛，愤怒。

“是我，对吗？”你轻声问道，“那个回到2020年保护你的士兵，是我，对不对？”

Dani紧紧咬住了下唇也没能忍住那声悲恸的呜咽。

”你认识我，在过去。”

你注视着坐在病床旁的她，醍醐灌顶般地笑了笑，你终于意识到你们的命运轨迹竟然在一个无限的循环里环环相扣。

“你认识我，在未来。”

她注视着坐在飞机驾驶座上的你，恍然大悟地点了点头，她终于得到了她的答案。

哦Daniella，你摇了摇头，“认识”这个词怎能形容得了你们所有的羁绊。

“你救了我。”你在她身前双膝跪下，就像你三天前在一片废墟中跪在你的指挥官面前一样。

“让我去救你。”那时你这样说道。

“为什么是我们？“她抬起头，视线穿透天花板，深深刺入灰霾的天空，似乎是在像宇宙本身发问。

“指挥官……”你抱住她的双腿，几乎是在哀求。

她慢慢低下头，眼泪落在你的手臂上。她哽咽着，试图找回自己的声音。“我不能……”

“不，不，送我回去。”

“我不会让你……再一次为我而死。”

”我不在乎这是第二次，但三次，还是第一万次，Dani.” 你的声音颤抖起来，不断落在你手臂上的泪滴有着灼人的温度，“无论在最开始的那一次，我们之中，是你先找到了我还是我先找到了你……那不重要，Dani. 重要的是，我每一次都会像现在一样，选择你。而我需要你来……”

Dani摇了摇头，那是你第一次在那个教会你希望的人的眼中里看到了无法释怀的绝望。

“选择我。”

“我做不到……”她说，那双布满灰尘的手捧住你的脸颊。

“你做得到的，Dani. 你做得到。”

你对指挥官这样说着，也对二十二年前的那个她这样说着。

你把那块锋利的碎玻璃递给她，她紧紧抓住它的边缘，血顺着她被割破的手指流下。

“真希望我们能有更多时间……”她另一只手的拇指抚过你的颧骨，帮你擦去落在你脸颊上的她的眼泪。

“我们会有的，Dani...”你的嘴唇不住地发抖，“我们唯一拥有的就是时间……永恒的时间……”你握住她拿着玻璃的右手，猛然像自己的腹部刺进去。

“不！不……对不起，Grace...”

你无视着视野中各项数据都在下跌的警报，缓慢地眨了三次眼睛，关掉了系统。

你看着她从你腹腔里取出你的能源，蓝色的灯在离开你体内的那一瞬间变成了红色。

“哦，Daniella...”你用最后的力气念着她的名字，“哦……”

“求你，Grace...不要……”她炽热的泪滴不断滑落，“不要……”

“没关系的，Dani...”你轻声说，“我可以……回家了。”

为什么是你们？你释然地叹了口气。

你根本就不需要答案。

.

.

Three days. In the last three days of your life, you figured out a lot of things that you failed to understand for the past eighteen years.

And Dani, on the contrary, suddenly had way too many questions since the moment “her father” pointed a gun at her.

You saw too much unsolvable emotions in those brown eyes. Fear, grief, anger and pain. And also, confusion.

“Why us?”

She asked you that when you were driving that old truck on the highway, trying to get rid of the Rev-9. She couldn’t understand why she and her brother were suddenly chased by a mysterious advanced killing machine, while being protected by a mysterious augmented human. You only showed up in her life fifteen minutes ago, but she trusted you with her life already. You felt her trust.

And you said, “You, Dani. You are my mission.”

You didn’t have time to think at that moment, when her life was in great danger. You didn’t even answer her directly, you didn’t have that time to explain. You only needed her to know how important she was.

“When they start to kill me, run.”

You needed her to know that her life is more important than yours.

That night, you stood on the top of the moving train, feeling the humid summer wind brushing your skin. You blinked three times, slowly, shut down your night vision. You wanted to look at this world which you almost forgot about in the most natural way.

You were still pissed by Sarah Conner’s arrogance and ignorance, saying shit like Dani was not the threat, her womb was. You wanted to defend Dani and tell Sarah that fuck Mother Mary, if Dani ever “made” someone, it was herself. She made herself a stoic commander. But you couldn’t let Dani know about that, at least not now. That Dani told you, “Don’t tell her, she can’t handle it”. You didn’t want to lie to her either, so you chose to conceal.

Dani wasn’t asleep, although she was lying there for a while now. Her eyes were closed, but her eyelashes were slightly shaking, tears were streaming down from the corners of her eyes. You wanted to hold her, kiss her, like how you held and kissed your commander.

Mission, Grace, your mission. You reminded yourself. You had to convince her that you were only here for the mission, no emotions attached.

However, you couldn’t help to touch her when it was “unnecessary”. On your way to her uncle’s place, Dani finally yielded to tiredness. You curled up your right leg, telling her it was okay to lay down. She mumbled “thanks” before relaxing her body and laying down on your thigh. It didn’t take her long to fall asleep.

Her long brown hair spread out on you, you subconsciously moved your hand and wanted to comb her hair. Instead you just put one big rough hand on her shoulder, holding her gently.

You recalled everything that happened in the past twenty-four hours, and suddenly remembered that she asked you, “Why us?”

Oh fuck. You sighed. That Dani asked you the same thing on the day you left her.

Legion was one step ahead of The Resistance. They already sent a Rev-9 back before you got the chance to destroy the Time Displacement Equipment.

You remembered that Dani was still giving orders with calmness, but at the second she turned around and saw you putting down your rifle, dropping to your knees, the only thing left in those brown eyes were grief and confusion.

“Why us, Grace?” She choked, letting tears falling down her face, “Why does it have to be us?”

The young girl laying on your thigh woke up, you pulled back your hand before she knew. You raised you head and saw Sarah looking this way. You had no idea how long she had been staring at you two. She swallowed uncomfortably, turned away and put on her aviators.

She was trying to escape, not from your aggressive glare, but from her own memories, just like what you did seconds ago.

You and Dani had the very first alone time at Carl’s cabin.

You sat on the edge of the bed right beside each other. You could smell the sweet scent of the shampoo she just used. It was a little awkward, you didn’t know what to do.

Dani suddenly put her hand on yours. You got goosebumps from the unexpected touch. You watched her gently touching the surgery scars on the back of your hand, tracing the white lines upward to your arm, then back to your hand. She squeezed her fingers into the gaps between your fingers, resting her head on your shoulder.

Your body tensed up. You began to draw infinity symbols on your knee, over and over again. It was your old habit; it helped you to calm down whenever you were nervous.

You heard Dani chuckle.

“What are you drawing?”

“Infinity symbol.” You said, “Also the symbol of The Resistance.”

You couldn’t help but smile, imagining how Dani would react if you told her she designed the flag herself.

Dani started to use that flag long before The Resistance was officially established: a navy-blue rectangle flag with a golden infinity symbol in the middle.

“It means hope.” That Dani told you, “All we have is the infinite time, Grace.”

You told this Dani the exact same thing. She nodded and flipped your hand, slowly drawing a infinity symbol in your palm.

That itch made you tremble; you were panting hard.

“Dani.” You whispered.

She raised her head from your shoulder, cradled your chin with the other hand, making you to turn and look at her.

Blatant desire was burning in her eyes.

“Grace…” She whispered your name, “Grace…”

You couldn’t say no to her, or to yourself. You closed your eyes and leaned in to kiss her. She moaned into the kiss.

Her hands slid down and tugged under the hem of your clothes, absentmindedly grazing on your belly. You quivered at that familiar touch.

“Oh, Dani…” You pulled away from the kiss, enjoying the sight of an aroused Dani Ramos. Even one kiss was more than enough to remind you all the intimacy you had with the commander. You leaned in again to kiss her, but this time she pushed your softy on your chest and stopped you.

“What is it?” You opened your eyes, saw her confusingly frowning, regarding you from head to toe. She didn’t answer. She shook her head and pulled you into another kiss.

Fuck. You cursed internally. You know what she was wondering.

She was thinking about the question that had been bothering your for more than a decade:

Why did she look at me like she was looking at someone else?

That question had been rooted since the first day you met Dani.

You were sitting on the cement floor in the ruined building, hiding your face in the shadow of your hood. The woman who just saved your life lowered down in front of you, asking your name. “Grace.” You said.

The smile stiffed on the stranger’s face. She pulled down your hood, exposing your dirty blonde locks. She looked deeply into your eyes, as if she was seeking for some form of clues. It was like she was looking at someone else.

“I’m Daniella,” It seemed like she finally found what she was looking for, “Dani.”

You had been thinking about it for the following years. That was not the only time she looked at you that way. You also saw that look when you joined the army, when you kissed her for the first time, and when you heard about a soldier went back in time to save her — God you were so jealous.

You thought Dani only loved you because she could see the ghost of that dead soldier in you, you were mad about it for quite a long time. Dani didn’t defend herself; she didn’t have the chance.

A Rev-7 stabbed her. Its blade almost impaled her entire skull. And you…the only thing you could think about when you were severely injured from protecting your unconscious commander, was still that dead soldier. You were not jealous this time; you were grateful. She saved Dani and saved you by that. You wanted to be her at that moment. You wanted to protect Dani better.

“I volunteer!” You yelled at the medic who was trying to stop your bleeding, blood running out from the corner of your mouth, “Make me an augment!”

The surgery took five weeks. You were lucky. Most of the soldier who volunteered when they were badly wounded died during the surgery.

The first person you saw when you woke up was Dani. You didn’t even bother to pay attention to the data in your sight and all those functions you didn’t know how to use yet. Your full attention was on the sobbing commander.

You looked at you like that again, but this time you had your answer. You finally understood her helplessness, her grief, and her anger.

“It was me, wasn’t it?” You asked softly, “The soldier who went back to 2020 to save you, was me, right?”

Dani bit on her bottom lip so hard but still couldn’t hold back that mournful howl.

“You know me, in the past.”

You gazed at her, who was sitting next to your bed, and you smiled in relief and enlightenment. You finally realized that your fate was so entangled in a endless loop.

“You know me, in the future.”

She gazed at you, when you were sitting in the pilot seat of the C-5. She nodded, knowing that she finally had her answer.

Oh Daniella, you shook your head, “knowing” was not the word for what you had in the future.

“You saved me.” You dropped onto your knees, just like three days ago when you kneeled in front of the commander.

“Let me save you.” You said back then.

“Why us?” She raised her head up, staring straight through the ceiling, into the clouded sky, as if she was asking for answer from the godless universe itself.

“Commander…” You held her thighs, nearly begging.

She lowered her head, tears falling on your forearms. She was weeping, her voice hoarse. “I can’t…”

“No, no! Send me.”

“I won’t let you…die for me again.”

“I don’t care if this is the second time, the third time, or the million time, Dani.” You voice was shaking, her tears were burning hot on your skin, “It doesn’t matter if it was you found me first or I found you first in the beginning of this…It doesn’t matter, Dani. What matters is, I will always choose you, at this moment, in this life, or the others. And I need you…”

Dani shook her head. That was the first time you saw despair in the eyes of the person who taught you to hope.

“…to choose me.”

“I can’t…” She said, her dusty hands cradling your face.

“Yes, you can, Dani. You can.”

You told the commander, and the Dani she was twenty-two years ago.

You handed her the piece of broken glass. She held it so hard in her hand that it cut into her fingers, blooding dripping down her palm.

“I wish we had more time…” She grazed your cheekbone with the thumb of her left hand, brushing away her own tears that fell on your face.

“We will, Dani…” Your lips were shaking, “All we have is time…We have…the infinity…” You grabbed her hand and stabbed the glass into your stomach.

“No! No…I’m sorry, Grace…”

You ignored all the alerts popping up in your sight; you blinked three times, slowly, shutting down the system.

You watch her taking out the power source from your stomach, the blue lights turned into red when it left your body.

“Oh, Daniella…”You whispered her name with the last drop of your strength, “Oh…”

“Please, Grace…No…” Her tears kept streaming down, “no…”

“It’s ok, Dani…” You mumbled, “I’m…home.”

Why us? You sighed with relief.

You didn’t need an answer.


End file.
